The Journey Toward Emotional Intelligence

In the depth of your emotions you will unearth your passion for life and be able to tap into the tremendous forces of creativity, healing, and willpower that lie there. In the depth of your emotions there is a love that has been lost, a love that contains the wisdom, compassion, and freedom of your Soul and Spirit. You can retrieve this lost love from the depth of your emotions and use it to heal and transform your life.

As with so many of life’s most valuable skills we are not taught how to love in-depth, how to parent, or how to communicate. We have to figure these skills out for ourselves. Because there is no roadmap for learning these important life skills most of us adopt and mimic our parents’ behaviors and beliefs. BUT (and it’s a big but) did it work for them? Most likely not.

To mature into a spiritually empowered adult we need to redefine the way we function with love and communication. The secret to mastering both love and communication is through a healthy emotional state of being. This section focuses on helping you learn how to communicate and how to love more genuinely and more deeply.

The moment we enter the physical world we burst out an open emotional declaration, “I have arrived!” A slap from the doctor initiates our first deep breath while also ushering in our connection to physical reality. New life begins with an emotional burst. As an infant we use our emotions to communicate to others. “I am hungry, wet, tired, etc.,” every need is conveyed with a crying scream to let everyone know (even the neighbors), “I am not getting enough,” “I need more attention, food, comfort, sleep, love, etc.”

During infancy we aren’t shy about expressing our feelings and we use our emotions to communicate our needs to others. As we mature we learn language and begin expressing our thoughts in words. We’re quickly taught by our parents, teachers, and siblings to ‘control’ our emotions and how we express our emotions. We spend years mastering the art of repressing our emotions out of the fear of getting in trouble. We are unaware that as we repress our emotions, we also repress our power. We are taught to judge our emotional responses as weak, perhaps even immature.

 We are born to feel. Then we learn to think for ourselves. Then we learn to communicate.  As we mature we absorb knowledge through each of the vital areas of life. Yet every thought we think contains an emotional response. The same holds true for every emotion; we have numerous thoughts that cluster around our feelings.

Many grown-ups experience a dysfunctional relationship with their emotional body. We’re hardly taught how to relate to our emotions or to communicate them effectively. Instead we’re encouraged to devalue and repress them producing both emotional and physical negativity. This unhealthy relationship to our emotions changes our biochemistry and leads to emotional distress that can develop into health problems.

Seven Secrets to the Magic of Emotions

1. Emotions are the core of your Body-Mind Connection.

Science is now discovering the direct and immediate impact emotions have on the physical body.  The influence of our emotions on the body is instantaneous, they are the core of our ‘body-mind connection.’ For example fear triggers adrenaline and causes the fight or flight response within a millisecond of that emotion being triggered.

Emotions are powerful and have a profound influence on your physical health and well-being. Science understands that our emotions quickly alter our bio-chemistry, immune system, and blood pressure. We can improve our body-mind connection by changing the way we relate to our emotions.

2. Emotions are Eternal. 

What is real about your past? The events that occurred are over. The emotional impact from your experiences are what still influences you today. It is the emotions you feel either consciously or unconsciously that determine the course of your future and the experiences you’ll attract and create. 

An elderly person who is dying often spend weeks or months regurgitating their unexpressed feelings, trying to break free from their past. Reliving their childhood memories and clearing out their repressed emotions that keep them trapped inside their body. When a person dies and sheds their body it is the residue of unresolved emotions that can keep them earthbound as ghosts. Emotions are eternal they must be either transformed or released at some point in order for you to be free. 

3. Emotions are Your Motivation. 

Without emotional awareness we often procrastinate and sabotage ourselves. Emotions provide the energy of motion, of action. A person with little motivation doesn’t accomplish much in his or her life. Motivation is rooted in our desires. What do you really desire in life? Beyond the physical trappings (stuff) that is? Because really don’t you only want  “stuff”  because of how it will make you feel?  Once you have that new job, home, or spouse, then you’ll be happy, content, successful…right? It is the feelings that these things (trappings) represent that are real, not the trappings themselves. 

It is of great importance that you realize that nothing in this physical world can create long-lasting happiness. This is especially true if you have a reservoir of repressed feelings. In an effort to feel content you strive to obtain more and more stuff but soon you realize that you still don’t feel ‘content’ with what you have.  This is because physical stuff is an illusion while your emotions are real. The ego drives you to focus only on the physical while your Soul is more concerned with your emotions.

4. Emotions are the Core of Genuine Communication.

It is our emotional nature that we use to relate to and communicate genuinely with one another.  In order for me to understand you I must first be emotionally aware and awake. A person who is emotionally repressed spends their entire life trying to get others to understand them. They feel misunderstood and lack the capacity to be understanding. The ego desires to be understood, our Soul focuses on being understanding.

Everyone has had different childhood experiences. No two people experience life the exact same way. What allows us to relate and understand each other is the commonality of our emotional nature. Everyone knows what it ‘feels like’ to be hurt, disappointed, sad, angry, grateful, loved, celebrated, or adored. Having experienced these emotions helps us to have empathy toward others and also helps us strengthen our ability to communicate and relate to one another in a genuine way.

5. Emotions Accelerate Your Ability to Manifest. 

A secret to manifestation is to create and generate the feelings first, before you manifest what you desire whether that is the right job, the new home, or the dream spouse. If you imagine what having your desire ‘feels like’ you start to attract and create it. Then when you repeat your affirmations you can consciously feel as if what you desire already exists. This accelerates the manifestation process bringing what you desire into your reality more quickly. The more intensity you feel, the quicker the manifestation. 

The mistake many people make is to wait until they get the “stuff” and then experience the feeling. Doing it this way slows down the manifestation process considerably. Even the bible says, “As a man ‘thinketh’ in his ‘heart’ so is he.” I interpret this to mean, “As a man ‘thinketh’ with ‘feeling’ so is his reality.” The magic of manifestation comes from your ability to clearly know what you desire and to feel it with intensity, this combination of ‘thinking and feeling’ creates reality.

6. Emotions are the Key to Belonging. 

As humans we form societies or groups in order to feel a sense of belonging. Whether the feeling of belonging comes from our immediate family, schoolmates, or through special interests and hobbies doesn’t matter much. When we find and attract others who share are passions we create this sense of belonging. We build our own community of friends and loved ones. 

Being emotionally alive and aware of your passions, desires, and interests plus being willing and able to share them with others lets you feel understood and appreciated. This creates a familial bond so you know you belong. Carl Jung defined belonging as one of our basic human needs. He concluded that the feeling of belonging creates security and pleasure in our lives. I agree. The feeling of belonging is an imperative part of being successful in life.

7. Emotions are an Avenue of Communication from Your Soul. 

Your Soul doesn’t use words to communicate with you. One way it prefers to communicate with you is through your feelings and emotions. As our emotional natures change from being repressed we open the avenue for clearer, more accurate communication from our Soul about our life and destiny. Since our Soul is our direct link to God-Goddess this is also the avenue through which we commune with the Divine.  When you ignore your emotions, it is like cutting the vocal chords to your Soul. It is forced then to communicate with you through crisis and negativity. 

How to Discern Emotions to Gain Power 

Most people get stuck when it comes to dealing with their emotional body from either a lack of awareness or understanding of this part of themselves. The most common reason individuals get ‘stuck’ here is that we have learned to divide our emotions into categories and label our emotions as either "good" or "bad." 

We commonly deem emotions we enjoy feeling as "good." Which means "bad" emotions, are the ones we judge as unacceptable and therefore ignore, deny, and repress. This is one of the ego’s favorite shortcut, that eventually ‘cuts us short’. This kind of judging and categorizing of our emotions  disempowers us. It is our judgment of “good” or “bad” that screws up our relationship with our emotions not the emotions themselves.

During our childhood our stressed out parents couldn’t handle an emotionally expressive baby. By the time we were 3-4 years old we were taught, scolded, and conditioned to believe that it wasn’t right to express all of our feelings—honestly. If we did we were criticized and/or punished for not being a “good” boy or girl. In fact what those stressed out parents were really trying to say was that we should be emotionally quiet or even worse, emotionally repressed.

I mention throughout this book that it is impossible to understand or appreciate something fully until we experience separation from it. We are taught and conditioned to separate ourselves from our feeling nature and we do. Then one day we wake up to seek inner power and learn the value of being emotionally alive. We come back to build a new and empowered relationship with our feelings, by choice and with responsibility. This is a major step on our path to becoming the spiritually empowered adult.

Four Myths that Perpetuate Emotional Disempowerment 

Myth #1 Emotions are Weak. 

Emotions can weaken the immature ego’s attempts to control your life.  This is why people judge emotional displays as a weakness. It is only our ego that perceives this as a weakness, not your Soul. Your emotions are, in fact, a strength that you can use to transform your life.  

Emotions don’t follow logic and reason. We humans have erroneously decided to make logic and reason ‘king of the mountain’ which means emotions are comparatively weak or “less than.” The ego’s demand for either-or judgment means thinking is considered strong and feelings are considered weak. But when people feel the intensity of power in their emotions they know instinctively that this power has the capacity to override logic and reason. This idea can scare people into shutting down. 

Repressed emotions lead to addiction. Even though people know logically and rationally that smoking cigarettes is damaging to their health their emotional need keeps them locked in addictive cycles. Some people continue to smoke even after they’ve been diagnosed with lung cancer. The emotions hold enormous power within us, power that can turn into tremendous inner strength, but only if we allow ourselves to feel our emotions—all of them.

Myth #2 Emotions will Sabotage Your Efforts. 

People are afraid of the avalanche of emotions that they have repressed. We’ve all encountered others who have built up a reservoir of anger and pain. Then after years of repressing these emotions the dam breaks and the emotions come flooding out hurting a lot of innocent people and damaging their relationships.

This negativity isn’t an inherent part of the emotions themselves, but is a result of long term repression. Emotions are a part of consciousness that are meant to be felt, expressed, and released appropriately. The Soul uses your emotions to communicate directly with you. No words need to get in the way. Emotions will not be denied.  When “all hell breaks loose,” people mistakenly blame it on their emotions rather than the real culprit; repression. Emotions are never the problem, the way we are taught to relate to them is the source of the problem!

What do sociopaths, psychopaths, and serial killers have in common? They became expert at emotional repression. This eventually leads to them expressing tremendous amounts of rage by perhaps openly firing guns in public places. When reporters interview the neighbors, they are almost always shocked at what happened. They invariably say, “He was such a quiet polite neighbor, never got upset with anyone.” Uh-huh, emotional repression that turns to rage eventually produces socio- and psychopathic behavior.

Myth #3  If You Ignore Your Emotions They will Go Away. 

This is a half truth. Yes, the feelings will dissipate from your conscious mind as you distract yourself but the emotion will not go away. The feeling will linger in your consciousness, become repressed in your subconscious mind. There it will become a land mine waiting to explode sometime in your future. Usually when you least expect it. We’ve all experienced this when someone cuts you off in traffic and a tidal wave of anger is launched, often surprising yourself. Ignoring feelings produces anxiety.

The Nature of Anxiety
Anxiety is unidentified emotion that effects your nervous system and many autonomic functions of your body. Even though you ignore your emotions they’ll find ways to express themselves, most often destructively.
  

Anxiety is a product of any one or combination of the following:

1. Unidentified and repressed emotions

2. Anticipation of rejection, humiliation, abandonment, or betrayal 

3. Attempting to trust people who aren’t trustworthy

4. Experiencing excessive happiness, success, and freedom

5. Being the source of other peoples jealousy or envy

6. Anticipating a negative future of failure, fear, and pain

7. Unidentified truth, believing the lie that you are ‘not good enough’

Beyond contributing to the development of anxiety, emotional repression also creates a plethora of negativity in our lives. Meaninglessness, depression, confusion, panic attacks, despair, rage, lethargy, procrastination, phobias, powerlessness, and addictions can all stem from repressed emotions. I am convinced that repressed emotions create an internal environment that causes insomnia, hypothyroid, back pain, chronic fatigue, arthritis, cancer, and most major physical aliments.

Myth #4 Emotions are Either Good (Positive) or Bad (Negative)

The most common myth is that emotions are good or bad. We tend to judge, divide, and separate our emotions into these two ‘false’ categories.

Instead of thinking of your emotions in terms of positive and negative it is freeing to think of them as either expanding or contracting.  Some emotions like joy, happiness and peace are emotions that expand, they feel comfortable. Likewise, the emotions labelled as “negative” are the emotions that contract, that slow you down and to get your attention often feel uncomfortable. They aren’t negative, but rather serve as a warning sign for you to pay attention.

So called “negative” emotions are meant to help guide you, so you can move forward in life. It would be foolish to decide that green traffic lights are good and red traffic lights are bad (unless you’re in a hurry).  The red light serves as a sign to let you know to slow down, look around, be cautious. Such ‘red light’ emotions are designed to protect you and create greater harmony and order in your life. This can happen when you learn to heed their warning and can become a valuable “positive” experience.

These four myths about our emotions have created havoc in the lives of millions of people. Shifting your perspective enables you to ‘unlearn’ these myths.  This requires  consciously thinking and feeling and then making new choices. Forgive yourself for buying into the lie that we should only feel the positive emotions is the first step. This clears the way for you to develop a new relationship with all of your emotions. This will bring the magic and miracles of emotional empowerment back into your life. 

Take some time to journal about the way your parents handled their emotions. Answer the following questions by writing them in a journal.

1. How did your mother deal with her emotions?

2. Did she demonstrate any addictive habits and patterns?

3. How about your father, how did he deal with his emotions?

4. Did he demonstrate any addictive habits and patterns?

5. What did your parents teach (either by instruction or through reaction) about     expressing your emotions?

6. Forgive both of your parents. Be compassionate and realize that they too were victims of the teaching their parents and passed down. They only were only able to teach you what they had been taught.

There you have it, understanding Soul-utions for Emotional Intelligence can lead you toward greater success in all areas of your life.

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